Baby rules

Dear baby,

please familiarize yourself with these rules, because otherwise your beloved mommy will committ herself permanently to the looney bin. And there are no babies allowed there.

  1. Toilets are not toys. Particularly not when the water is tinged yellow. Yes, I realize we should flush more regularly, but one of the tenants in this residence happens to be your 3yo brother, and he doesn’t always remember to flush.
  2. If the toilet water isn’t tinged yellow, you may still not play in it. See first sentence in 1.
  3. The interesting-looking receptacle next to the toilet is also not a toy. Do not, under any circumstances, take out dirty wet-wipes or kleenex or any other item from there and put it into your mouth at any given time.
  4. Please do not take the dog’s toys and put them in your mouth. They are his chew toys, not yours.
  5. Do not ask for things by imitating a crying sound. If you must cry, do so genuinely, but don’t force out that pretend-cry. I am teaching you sign language specifically for the purpose of effective communication, and I have witnessed first-hand that you know several signs already, so please use them. Your ape-like sounds accompanied by facial grimaces are wearing me down.
  6. Mommy’s bed is not a trampoline. And mommy is not a monkey-bar.
  7. Mommy’s breasts are her property, not yours. You may use them for the purpose of taking in nourishment, but you may not play with them or latch on to them for dear life and never let go. If you must have something in your mouth for sleeping, you have several nice pacifiers to choose from.

I love you anyway.

Mommy.

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